Challenge of the day: make sense of my Monday morning thoughts. They are tiring and I am done with them.
I am a walking, talking, extreme version of a bi-polar feminist.
No, not the type of feminist that hates all men and chants ‘down with anything with a penis’ every Friday by the cat lady store, no I actually hate those backward thinking groups of females, a lot. I am a feminist in the sense that I do believe there are certain issues women need to be more supportive of each other in, and not stand to the side and allow certain things to happen. The particular case of feminism I think is needed is that of self-confidence support, especially in a society in which there is a certain standard of beauty to uphold, and a certainly large amount of women who do not fit that particular mold.
Why bi-polar feminism?
I hate men, in some sick deep recess of my mind in which I wish I could but can’t control, due to learned/seen behaviors from men in my life. I have never been harmed, assaulted, or hurt by a man though, I have only seen others in those positions. So I’m not talking about hating men due to an abusive situation, per say, but due to the general tendency to fuck anything that walks, regardless of commitment or ‘love’. It is a simple fact that if a woman with big tits walks in the room a man will look, and a man will then, or later, fantasize about thus breasts. Fine. Whatever. Us little-tittied women are fucked (though not literally), we don’t get your attention, we don’t get a chance. This. Is. Fucked.
I also love men, in the basic instinctual, i’m-totally-not-gay-even if-i-tried sense. I love everything about men attraction wise, from the strong biceps to the rugged smell. I love the rough edges and the dominating attitude, and so much more that would take forever and get weird probably. I am sometimes not the most independent woman I want to be, and in those ‘sometimes’ recesses I tend to fill the gap with a strong male figure.
So I do in fact want and need men, I’m not trying to be so feminazi here that I turn off any male readers, this most certainly isn’t about all men it’s about all my issues against body hate and against men and women who fuel the fire on the subject.
My issues, however, are starting to affect my relationship, as is probably predictable by any onlooker reading my thoughts. I am in constant fear of not being good enough, of my tits not being big enough, of my stomach not being flat enough, of my ass not being plump enough, the list goes on and on, but you get the picture. I’m not worried about these things for the general public, but for my fiance. I want him to need no other reason to look elsewhere as so many others tend to do, as all others in my life have from what I’ve seen. I want to have higher self-confidence for him, but I am a very self-aware person and am perceptive of my physical downfalls.
Rereading this I realize it sounds like a typical woman ‘i’m not good enough’ rant, right? Right, because it totally is! Don’t you think that being such a strong, smart, sassy woman with all these bright ideas that I wouldn’t give a flying F about what society or any man says I need to look like for my own man, the one that I already know loves me? YES! That’s exactly what you would think, but that is not the case, and that is my point: I both love and hate men, and that’s a backwards statement to make on feminism, but the reasons for my personal love and hate should resonate with other women who may need support, want to give support, or are just plain fed-up with society saying we aren’t enough. This is for the bi-polar feminists who don’t hate men but hate being pushed down in worth by men. And this is for the men who strive to prove these rants wrong.
Screw society, go grab a donut, enjoy your Monday, you look great!
(That was a seriously scattered rant, you may need a cigarette break too!).