“I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing… I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don’t know. Maybe I had my happiness.” – Practical Magic
Strong
The word doesn’t even begin to explain
The woman that she was,
The love that still remains.
She carried herself admirably so
With such pride and elegance
That her sparkle was sure to always show
Look at her and all you’d see
Was a beauty indescribable,
Her manner so natural and so free
We’ve lost one of our best
And no doubt we’re all better for knowing her
Now she can finally be at rest
An angel returning home, leaving a family completely blessed.
Flashback to the days before it got out of hand. Before complications, before responsibilities, before pressure, and before fitting in. Before love, before lust, before everything that got in that way of you, simply being you.
Can you even remember those days? Weren’t they quite . . . simple? Effortless? But doesn’t lack of effort too soon turn into lack of passion?
Which life would you really prefer? The simple worry-free life? Or the one that actually challenges the person you are today? The choice may be an easy one for some to make, but the choice is never actually handed to you, is it? We’ve all gotten ourselves into this mess we call life, so why not milk it for all its worth. I, for one, will turn all my mistakes into blessings one by one, slowly but surely, as painful as they may be.
Starting with one many years in the making, with most likely many years to come. It’s one every adolescent must face at one point or another, the one that usually leaves the most scars. The one that will, either for better or for worse, shape the habits of your social existence for the rest of your life.
And of course I’m talking about booze. Alcohol. The juice.
Aren’t the descriptions of alcohol and first loves too easily interchangeable? Shouldn’t that be a bad sign for our generation, of our society to come? Or perhaps it’s too late to worry about that.
For instance, aren’t we supposed to learn from our parent’s mistakes? Do as they say not as they do? Well I think I can quickly lay rest to that silly rumor.
My mother is a three-time champ of stomach pumps and two-time graduate of alcohol rehab. My father is an avid believer in all things in moderation who himself has survived ten years of heavy drinking (but isn’t that always how the story goes.) In fact, I’d be willing to bet money that my conception involved a three-way with booze. Two dysfunctional children and exactly no wedding bells later, the dynamic duo of drinking called it quits with each other, and soon after with the drink itself.
After all these blatantly irresponsible and life-ruining mistakes I should have learned my lesson right? Well if I did there wouldn’t be a story to tell! The most fun I have is when I drink, my best stories are practically written by booze. I like to call it social drinking, but in all reality I make the cardinal sin of drinking. I drink merely to get drunk. First step of alcoholism I know, but it’s not that bad really. (Wait, is that denial?)
Now you may be shaking your head in disappointment as you read this, but let me tell you that I am the most normal and level headed child out of the three of us. I like to brag about the fact that I’m the only one without a juvi record. Which may in fact make you shake your head even more. What can I say, my family thrives on dysfunction, as do many, many others today.
But in all seriousness, I truly am a fairly good kid. Good grades, God fearing, respect my parents, going to college, blah, blah, blah. I just enjoy letting loose every once in a while and being someone I’m usually not. Alcohol makes an anxiously quiet and worry-filled girl a mouthy and overly confident party animal. Maybe not the best trade, but I enjoy it.
This leads me to my first serious mistake. And this time I actually am talking about a boy. My first. . . “love” (as if I actually know what that is.) It started in high school, as most horrible love stories do. …
Why is it that the most beautiful things in life cannot be captured?
Not through words, not through photos, not through song.
Beauty must be experienced
Not replicated.
Oh how I wish i could describe the raw beauty of a spring evening.
Make you feel the warm gentle breeze, hear the song birds happily chirping, taste the crisp air, smell the fresh grass growing, see the blazing pink sun setting.
Or how a photographer wishes he could show you the majesty of a brilliantly snow capped mountain top through his ever clicking lens.
Or how a musician wishes he could make you hear the rhythm of a culture through the beat of his song.
We can all only pray that you understand what we try to convey to you,
and that you begin a beautiful experience of your own
How can you not fully believe in God and all his overwhelming and unceasingly abundant blessings when you take one step outdoors? Just smell the crisp fresh air, feel the cool breeze on your face, and look at the contrasting swirl of colors of the pinkish orange sunset as the backdrop of the vibrantly green explosion of life atop the surrounding trees.
God is everywhere, in everything. Every natural blessing we may take for granted is a meticulously created gift from our patient creator. Nobody else can care so much for such a morally declining race of species to work to create and maintain such breathtaking and always reviving works of natural art.
The rumbling vibrations of the mysteriously powerful thunder aided by the terrifyingly vibrant flashes of electrical light express God’s utmost power, soothingly and mystifyingly accompanied by the fresh torrent of rain. The lingering smell of earth’s theatric display is graciously followed by the aftershock of a warm storm breeze, blessing our bodies like the endorphinic release an exercise enthusiast gets after an intense run.
Every artifact of our natural world proves the powerfully beautiful love our Father has given us, the strongest emotion that could possibly be known to any man. Realize this undying love every time you look out your window at the falling red tinted leaves, hear the light splash of waves hitting the thirsty shore, or simply notice a particularly fluffy cloud that just so happens to be positioned perfectly to let a single bright fay of sunshine make its way to the surface of the dark earth.
Realize this beauty, and realize the love.
“To have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do you part?”
“I do” he said with the smile of a truly happy man.
“Then you may kiss the bride.”
But Joey didn’t need to wait and hear this line before he grabbed Rachel’s head and dipped her down in a fit of passion and a moment of utter bliss. When they came back up for air Rachel’s face was frozen in an expression of utter ecstasy, with tears of joy streaming down her dolled up face. (Rachel was always the emotional one.)
Cliché, I know, but the wedding was actually the perfect example of your typical fairytale marriage with your typical madly in love couple.
They joined hands and made their way giggling down the aisle while their closest friends and family stood row by row in their honor.
Emily was next to follow, with Mathis as her coupling from the grooms side. She put on her happy face and followed the train of excited bridesmaids, Rachel’s sister leading the way. Emily was truly happy for her best friend, finally married and settled with her long time college boyfriend, but she was also sad for her in a way that she knew would only be understood by herself. Being in love and married happily is a miracle in this day and time, Emily herself being a testimony of this fact, but it also meant you were morally tied together for life, no matter what other great thing may come along. In Emily’s case, her great thing was an old fling she never quite got over, that perhaps she never should have. This fling just happened to be staring at her from the crowd, his piercing hazel eyes reminding her to think of her loving husband whom was working and would hopefully make it in time to rescue her at the reception.
The hazel eyes belonged to Ike, who was here as Danielle’s date, seeing as her real boyfriend and her were “taking a break.” They took these “breaks” often. They were like that one couple everybody knows that are horrible together, fighting more often than not, but at the same time couldn’t stay away from each other because they were, all fighting aside, madly in love. Danielle followed Emily down the aisle, partnered with Joey’s friend Ben, grinning from ear to ear. Weddings always made her happy, seeing two people so in love giving herself hope for her future with Devon someday.
She flashed a smile at her date and longtime friend who so graciously accepted the late invite (he was actually overly excited about coming now that she thought about it) and focused on her three inch silver heels making the rhythmic pitter patter on the marble floor. Grace wasn’t her best attribute, especially in heels and a tight violet gown.
As the girls all filed out of the sanctuary they lined up to take a final picture and be the first to blow bubbles at the bride and groom when they walked by.
The scene was hectic and happy, everybody cheering and laughing as they watched the couple enter their “Just Married” hybrid, each person thinking hopefully about their own love interests.
. . .
The reception was a big exciting blur of dancing, drinking, and wishing the beaming couple well. Rachel and Joey made their rounds to various family members and ended up back at the table of honor often for more champagne.
Emily, who ironically didn’t agree with drinking at weddings, was knocking them back like a champ, drunkenly congratulating her friend again and again and talking the ear off of her husband Nathaniel. Awkwardly enough, she was sitting right in the middle of Daniel and Ike, stating this fact herself perhaps one too many times.
Next to Ike was the seat for his date Danielle, who was also fairly drunkenly arguing with Devon outside about his unannounced arrival to the reception. But of course, the arguing died out and they were back in a flash, hand in hand, giggling like smitten school children.
Devon walked over to the table of honor and congratulated Rachel and Joey while he helped himself to Danielle’s glass of champagne. He shook Ike’s hand like they were old friends, in part to be courteous and in part to show that he was taking over as Danielle’s date. While Ike was never really fond of Devon to begin with, he obligatorily shook his hand and set his eyes back on Emily, where he was surprised nobody noticed they’d been all night.
In the hour that passed Joey and Rachel had greeted everybody they needed to, had their first dance, shoved cake in each other’s faces, and finished the whole garter and bouquet bit. Though all highly intoxicated at this point, all the bridesmaids duked it out like a fight to the death and it came down to Becca and Danielle calling it a draw. Between all the traditional reception events Joey and Rachel managed to share another glass of champagne, or punch, or whatever else the caterers provided. Though Joey was from a strict Lutheran family and Rachel was brought up morally as well, they both let loose and got pretty tanked. Emily and Danielle started making bets on who would end up taking care of whom after the honeymoon.
The time came for the speeches wishing the couple well before they left for their European vacation, and while Emily wasn’t on the list for a toast she was the first one to stand up and clank her glass. When she didn’t get enough attention as she wanted she went a step further and stumbled onto the band’s stage to tap the microphone.
“Testing. Testing. Excuse me. Everybody? Hi. I’m Emily. And I’m drunk.” She laughed at her own “joke” and got a general chuckle from the crowd.
Joey looked concerned at Emily while Rachel was too drunk to see anything wrong with the situation.
“I just want to say you guys are great. You have been since college. Well, kind of.” She laughed again.
Sensing a turn for the worst, Danielle pulled herself away from her intense make out session with Devon, quickly realizing as she did that they were the only ones still on the dance floor.
“Also, I wish you guys the best,” Emily continued, “and I hope everybody in the relationship stays faithful, even though it can be hard sometimes” she finished with a wink.
At this point Danielle grabbed Emily off the stage and muttered a slightly unintelligible and tacky “that’s what she said” as they both marched off.
Danielle returned Emily to a furious looking Nathaniel and sheepish looking Ike and went to Rachel one more time before they left. Devon offered Ike a ride home with him and Danielle while Nathaniel tried to gather Emily.
Joey and Rachel stumbled their way out, getting their final goodbyes and blessings as they went. They were quickly out and off to start their new life together on their honeymoon in Europe.
Danielle helped Nathaniel get Emily into their SUV and said her own slurred goodbyes, as she walked arm in arm(s) with Ike and Devon for support back to their car.
All three girls headed in their own opposite directions, to their separate lives, and their own love foes waiting to be dealt with, along with their hangovers, tomorrow morning.
It saw the dirt.
It saw the grass.
It saw the earth.
It saw it pass.
From fields of plenty.
And rivers of gold.
To promises of nothing.
A dream grown too old.
It watched the sun rise.
It watched the sun set.
It covered it’s tired eyes.
It tried to forget.
The splendor, the majesty.
The vast freedom land.
All has disappeared.
All gone in His closed hand.
- “Ultimately, the only power to which man should aspire is that which he exercises over himself.” – Elie Wiesel
“You said it would all turn out.”
“Well I lied.”
“You know this is your last night here, on earth that is.”
“Yes, but my work will go on.”
“And if it doesn’t?”
“It will.”
“You’re awful confident for a man on the edge.”
“You’re right. If you push me one of two things will happen. Either i’ll die and it will continue without me, or I’ll survive down there and it will grow beyond your confinement.”
“It won’t grow. It ends tonight, right here.”
“Your wrong. Your all wrong. Soon you will see.”
“The time to explain yourself is over. Your time has run out. Nice try, but the little “games” that you have infected the world with will be stopped.”
The wind blew through the inventors hair, sweetly carressed his skin for the last time, and as he closed his eyes and felt the wind, really felt it, the man fell forward voluntarily.
Though I know the culture of this country fairly well, there are still a few dreams here I want to accomplish. And by a few, I mean a lot!
New York City, New York
Though I am more of a country girl, and it is quite cliche, I would really love to see the bright lights of New York City. I feel like it is almost a right of passage as an American these days to go see the city of all cities. The Statue of Liberty, Empire State Building, Times Square, Central Park, and Ellis Island are all waiting for me in this dream.
Juno, Alaska
Oh, Alaska. Where to start? Ever since I was little I’ve been fascinated by the northern lights and natural beauty of Alaska. I actually enjoy cold weather and love snow, so Alaska seems perfect. Not to mention the whale watching opportunities, bird watching, and the glaciers! Ah, Alaska!
San Diego, California
Beaches. Beaches. Beaches.
Add in some mountains, sun, city, and sand, and this dream is pretty self-explanatory. Not to mention the amazing zoo that San Diego houses.
Seattle, Washington
I’ve always thought that Seattle was the perfect balance natural and industrial beauty. The powerful city landscape against the mountains and ocean view makes me swoon.
Denver, Colorado
Look at that picture. I think that needs no explanation.
Dreams of mine that will soon come true.
And I did. But I didn’t feel any better when I finally woke up. I called and told my boss I was sick and asked for a week off, half jokingly because I knew that was impossible. Much to my surprise though, he let me have it. “Feel better Dax. See you in a week.” Even more of a surprise, I was starting to believe that man. What if I could control people? Just like I did with my boss just now.
All that week I tested it out. The results were unsettling to say the least.
I outrageously asked Lisa to move in with me. Her stuff was in within a few hours no questions asked.
I asked my friends to go bungee jumping with me even though they often voiced their fear of heights. We went the next day.
Here’s the kicker, I asked my parents for a five thousand dollar loan that they would have NEVER given my drop out older brother who has actually made something of himself now, let alone this fresh drop out whose big claim to fame is being a D.J. It was in my account in about an hour.
So, I was playing a game. The reasons to not believe the man were growing scarce. I was a major player. So what was my next move?
The first night back at work I waited impatiently for my callers to die down and then played that techno song that not many people asked for. Not even thirty seconds passed before the phone rang.
“Dax, glad you’re ready to talk” rasped the familiar voice.
“I want it to stop, it’s not right. How did it even happen to me?” I asked
“You have a natural sense of adventure son, an open mind, talent in most things you try. The game just picks people. You were an obvious choice. But the game can get dangerous. Tell everybody in your life the truth. Hope that they understand once the curse is broken. If you’re truly lucky you may still have some loved ones once the game is over.”
There was nothing I could really say. It all sounded ridiculous but I knew it was true. I knew that’s what I had to do.
“If you’re going to do it, Dax, do it tomorrow. I’ll be at Klutch that evening so stop by and talk. Drinks on me. You’ll need them. Trust me. I lost everything in the game.”
“Okay thanks….”
“Names Jason.” He said.
“Thanks Jason. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Good luck kid.”
And that was the last time Jason and I talked. I never got to really meet him at Klutch the next night. I did see him, but not on friendly terms by any means. That night was the absolute longest night of my life.
Once I woke up the next day from a restless slumber things went bad pretty fast. I felt so awful about the game and wronging my loved ones (or at least the ones I thought loved me, who really knew now?) I decided to get it all over with fast. There was no way I wanted to stay in the game forever. Now that I knew about it I would never truly be happy again with it.
I called my parents first. It took a lot of explaining, and I still don’t know if they understand, but that didn’t really matter. I told them, and then I asked for another thousand dollars. Let’s just say it was not in my bank account within the hour. So that curse was taken care of.
Next I told my friends, they were open- minded like I was and they actually sort of began to kind of believe me. I asked them each to come over for a bit to hang out now that I told them the truth and they blatantly refused. Two down, one to go.
Lisa was the easiest to convince. She said she always felt like something wasn’t right. Like I had some magnetic force that she was drawn to over and over again. She didn’t understand that I never knew what I was doing. Just as fast as she had moved her stuff in, her stuff was moved out.
To say the least, I was heartbroken. My parents thought I was crazy, my friends were a little pissed off, and Lisa wanted nothing to do with me. Doing the right thing never felt so wrong.
I headed out to Klutch not long after my ex-girlfriend left with her last box. A drink was exactly what I needed. Jason was right.
About a block away from Klutch a group of three men appeared in front of me. Just like my first encounter with Jason, I knew this was no coincidence. I should’ve been afraid but I just remember thinking what did I have to lose anymore really? I stopped directly in front of them and stared them down. They stood their ground.
“Dax, that man Jason, he’s no good. This game, this gift, is the best thing that’s ever happened to you” said the man in the middle.
“Leaving this would be a mistake. You’re a great player.” said the one on the right.
“I didn’t even know I was playing a game. And it doesn’t matter. It’s over. I’m done.” I said.
“I’m sorry to hear that Dax.” said the final man. “What Jason failed to tell you is that it’s not that easy to just quit the game. That’s why we’re here. To stop you.”
Just as the man said this he did a peculiar thing. He quickly stepped forward and closed the space in between us. He showed me a gun that he had in his pocket and slowly brought it out. My heart started pounding and I remember thinking about Lisa as he lifted the gun higher.
Instead of putting it to my chest or my head, however, he slipped it in my pocket and stepped back.
“Be careful Dax, that things loaded.” he smirked.
“What are you doing?! I don’t want this!” I shrieked.
“Then stay Dax. Don’t give up the game. Don’t do anything you would regret.”
“My decision is made. I won’t regret this.”
“Maybe not. But you will regret this.”
Everything started moving in fast forwarded time it seemed. By force my hand shot in my pocket. I placed my thumb on the top of the gun and cocked it like a pro. I had never used a gun in my life. My index finger cradled the trigger tightly and I pushed past the men into Klutch without even thinking about it. I saw Jason waving at me from the bar and all too soon realized what was going on.
I had quit the game, but the other men outside had not. They had complete control over me.
I remember hearing the screams as I brought the gun out of my pocket. I remember my blurred vision of Jason as tears started building up in my eyes. I remember the pure feeling of hopelessness as I effortlessly aimed at Jason. Most of all, I remember the look of betrayal and terror on Jason’s face as I shot him perfectly in the forehead.
The rest is history.
I’m here. Nobody understood my explanations. Nobody understood the game. The men outside had disappeared. I was guilty as could be.
Perfect timing, the night guard is coming back. Again, he looked dishelved and in a hurry. He skipped the chair once again and came straight to the bars.
“Look, Dax, I just had some visitors. Three men who said they need to talk to you. They’re bad news! Don’t listen to what they say. You did the right thing!” The man breathlessly pleaded.
“Don’t worry. You’ve taught me well. I’ve been expecting them.” I calmly said. I added in a winning smile which seemed to convince him all was well and he slowly turned around to leave, smiling back.
I had had a year to think about this. I knew what I had to do. I needed my life back. The truth definitely did not stop a tragedy. I needed to play. I needed back in the game.
The End
